


Oh My Greek (and Roman) Gods PERCY

by Suddenly_I_Kin_Oikawa



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack, Just for a laugh, Multi, this is so random
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23642419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suddenly_I_Kin_Oikawa/pseuds/Suddenly_I_Kin_Oikawa
Summary: Percy is at it again with Persassy, WTF Are You On Percy, I Regret Giving You My Number, Tumblr, Just Tumblr, Hogwarts Meet Percy Jackson AND MORE COMING!
Relationships: Annabeth Chase & Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase & Percy Jackson & Grover Underwood, Jason Grace & Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo & Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo/Percy Jackson, Percy Jackson & Clarisse La Rue, Percy Jackson & Everyone, Percy Jackson & Frank Zhang, Percy Jackson & Grover Underwood, Percy Jackson & Hazel Levesque, Percy Jackson & Leo Valdez, Percy Jackson & Piper McLean, Percy Jackson & Reyna Avila Ramírez-Arellano, Percy Jackson & Tyson, Percy Jackson & Will Solace
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	1. Persassy

Percy: I searched everywhere.

Clarisse: What?

Percy: I looked through hundreds of files.

Percy: Searched through my text messages.

Percy: I even searched my wardrobe.

Percy: But I _still_ couldn't find where I asked for your opinion.

Clarisse:...

* * *

Zeus: I'm gonna ask you to respect me.

Percy: I respectfully decline.

* * *

Leo: Percy, run!

Percy: Why?

Leo: Well, I told Nico a joke and…

Percy: And what? What was the joke?

Leo: Ok, so I said two weeks ago, he killed on a butterfly and got no butter for a week.

Leo: And last week, I said he killed a honey bee and got no honey for a week.

Leo: And today he killed a cockroach so I said "imma go tell Percy!" And well- gasp!

_Leo runs off_.

Percy: Wait! Leo! What's- agh!

_Percy get tackled by Nico._

Nico: A week is too long! I can barely go two days!

_Connor and Travis gasp and Percy and Nico look up to see them recording._

_Skeletons rise up from the ground and a fifty foot wave rises above them. The Stoll brothers point behind them._

Stolls: Leo did it!

_After Leo barely escaped death, he is being hunted because Conner posted the video to demitube a demigod friendly YouTube._

* * *

_Four year old Percy:_ I am awesome because… I JUST AM!

* * *

Teacher: What's your name?

Percy: Persassy Jackson.

Teacher: No, your real name.

Percy: *huffs* Fine. Persasseus Jackson.

Percy: Deal with it.

* * *

Leo: Oh my gods, I am so much hotter than Percy! *lights hands on fire*

Percy: You're right, you _are_ hotter….

Leo: SEE!

Percy: ONLY BECAUSE I'M COOLER THAN YOU! *Throws water on Leo, putting the fire out* You just got _persassied_. *Walks away*

Jason: OH NO HE DIDNT! ( ;o; )

* * *

Percy: Blue is my color.

Jason: Then why isn't it your eye color?

Percy:...

Annabeth:...

Piper:...

Hazel:...

Nico:...

Frank: _Jason_.

Frank: Do you realize what you have just done?

Jason: What?

Percy: *Jumps on Jason*

Percy: HOW DARE YOU

Percy: I WAS BORN THIS WAY

Percy: AND GUESS WHAT I AM BEAUTIFUL

Percy: I AM LUSCIOUS, VOLUPTUOUS, PIECE OF LEMON CHICKEN DIPPED IN BLUE AND I AM BETTER THAN YOU

Frank: Percy, inhale, exhale.

Percy: *hugs pillow pet* NO

Frank: We've been through this.

Percy: Jason bullied me.

Percy: I HOPE YOU GO STEP ON A LEGO!

Jason: *gasps*

* * *

Percy: YO! Jason!

Jason: What?

Percy: Did you hear that?

Jason: Hear what?

Percy: The sound of me being more fabulous than you.

Jason:...

Percy: *Whispers* _Persassy…._

* * *

Percy: *Sneezes*

Hades: Bless you.

Percy: *Smirks* What was that?

Hades: I said bless you, you insufferable sea spawn.

Percy: OMG, HADES JUST BLESSED ME, HE GAVE ME HER BLESSING

Hades: What? No, what?

Percy: Nico, will you marry me?

Nico:... I….

Nico: YES

Hades: Wait, no, that's not what I meant.

Persassy: That's What _I_ meant. Deal with it.

* * *

_Dear Percy,_

_How's Tartarus? Muhahahaha._

_Octavian_

_Dear Octavian,_

_Better than your face._

_Percy_

* * *

" _I am the son of the sea god. Of course I am salty." - Percy at one point probably._

* * *

Apollo: Why does everyone hate you so much?

Percy: Zeus Hates my guts, but I'm named after one of his sons.

Percy: Hades doesn't like me, but I'm dating his son _and_ won our fight.

Percy: I have lots of brothers, but I'm dad's favorite.

Percy: The fates planned for me to be the child of the first great prophecy, but I let Luke do it.

Percy: Ares cursed my blade, but I can still beat him in a fight.

Percy: And I refused immortality more than once, and made the gods do something they didn't want.

Percy: But I don't really care, cause I got only one piece of advice for them.

Percy: Deal. With. It.


	2. WTF are you on Percy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all

Annabeth: Ok, people, today we are playing a game. To people are on teams, to demonstrate me and Percy will go first.

Percy: Let's Go! I'm ready!

Annabeth: Ok, skunk.

Percy: Fart squirrel.

Annabeth: Uh, ok…? Stingray.

Percy: majestic sea flap flap.

Annabeth: *murmurs to self* what? Oshrid.

Percy: giraffe bird.

Annabeth: bear.

Percy: danger floof

Annabeth: raccoon

Percy: trash panda

Annabeth: hippo

Percy: danger water cow

Annabeth: llama

Percy: giraffe sheep.

Annabeth: platypus.

Percy: duck puppy

Annabeth: otter

Percy: sea catsnake

Annabeth: seagull

Percy: beach chicken

Annabeth: snake

Percy: nope rope

Annabeth: eagle

Percy: freedom glider

Annabeth: *breathes in deeply*

Annabeth: *breathes out deeply*

Annabeth: Percy….

Annabeth: WTF are you on?

Percy: a baby and a half a dozen babies.

* * *

Percy: if I hit myself and it hurts, am I weak or am I strong?

Annabeth: I tell you no caffeine and WTF do you do? You shove five pounds of blue cookies down your throat!

* * *

Percy: if you were born deaf, what language should you think in?

Nico: Idk, go ask a deaf person.

Percy:Ok!

Nico: Percy are you doing! Stop, dammit!

* * *

Percy: if people evolved from monkeys how come monkeys are still around?

Nico: you're still around aren't you, jackson.

Percy: *offended* WTF does that mean?

Nico: sorry to all the monkeys that I just offended.

* * *

Percy: how come lips don't touch when we say touch but they touch when we say separate?

Nico: Percy, what the fuck, go the fuck to sleep.

Nico: *ten seconds later* I fucking hate you, now I won't be able to sleep.

* * *

Percy: why is the show about spongebob when Patrick is the star?

Will: Percy, I will give you sunburn.

* * *

Percy: so what happens when you get scared half to death twice?

Leo: You become Nico!

Nico: no you become Leo in five seconds!

_*cue girlish screaming*_

* * *

Percy: who taught the first teacher?

Chiron: I… I have absolutely _no_ idea.

Percy: well your fucking useless.

* * *

Percy: who knew what time it was when the first first clock was made?

Kronos: uh… I… ugh, fuck you

Percy: I'd rather not… tangle with time.

* * *

Percy: are leaves called leaves because they leave the tree?

Demeter: boi, you need some cereal in your life.

Percy: this is such a ceREAL conversation.

* * *

Percy: if a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

Athena: …..

Percy: she covered me in birdseed didn't she?

_*birds flock Percy*_

Percy: yes, yes she did.

* * *

Percy: it's called _the mall_ because you go to _the m all._

Annabeth: Percy how do you know this, you can't even be in camp without getting attacked by monsters.

Percy: THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT

* * *

Percy: HOW COME YOU CAN DRINK A DRINK BUT CAN'T FOOD A FOOD?

Nico: WTF, Percy, this shit again?

Nico: this is the last fucking time I sleep with you.


	3. I Regret Giving You My Number

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, title

**_Red giver_ **

Percy: Don't ever buy me red again. Its evil and it makes me cry.

Nico: ok

* * *

**_Moth_ **

Percy: Nico there's a Moth outside the bathroom door can you get it?

Percy: pls hurry, i'm about to cry.

Percy: Nico

Percy: Nico

Nico: Nico is dead. You're next. Love, Moth

* * *

**_Nuggets_ **

Percy: Hi, Nico.

Nico: nugget, Percy.

Nico: nugget

Nico: not nugget

Nico: nugget

Nico: ?

Percy: you are a wreck.

Nico: DID YOU DO THIS

*i changed hi to nugget in nico's phone*

* * *

**_Ex-Boyfriend_ **

Percy: hey, we need to talk.

Nico: one sec, i just got a package.

Percy: great, i mean, cool. Look, i don't want to be your boyfriend anymore.

Nico: oh, um

Percy: open the package

Nico: ITS A RING AND A NOTE, IT SAYS "I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE I WANT TO BE YOUR HUSBAND, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" YES!

Nico: RIGHT AFTER I FUCKING KILL YOU WHAT THE FUCK, JACKSON

* * *

**_Blue Cookies_ **

Nico: how do i get Percy to like me?

Annabeth: show up naked in his bed covered in blue cookies

Nico: wtf. Annabeth, no.

Annabeth: then grow a pair and talk to him.

* * *

**_Bad boy_ **

Percy: I heard you like bad boys

Nico: aaaaannnnnnd

Percy: well, i'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney channel told me to go to their website with a parents permission, i didn't ask permission.

* * *

**_Hubby_ **

Nico: we should go to IHOP today. Its free pancake day.

Percy: who dis? I'll have you know, i am happily married with four kids and i don't think my husband would like it if i went out to eat with you. And besides, i wouldn't waste my time with you, since the only reason you want to go out with me is because its FREE.

Nico: Percy, its your husband

* * *

**_Babe_ **

Percy: hey babe, you left the handbrake off.

Nico: no I didn't

Percy: yes, you did

Nico: NO I DIDN'T

Percy: ok. You "didn't". I guess i'm rolling down the hill in someone ELSE'S car then.

Nico: OMFG

Percy: this is amazing

Nico: DO SOMETHING

Percy: lol, nah

* * *

**_Old-timer_ **

Percy: i judo flipped clarisse today!

Nico: WTF, well done

Percy:...

Percy: Nico, what do you think WTF means?

Nico: WELL THAT'S FANTASTIC

* * *

**_Not someone i jerk off to_ **

Nico: Don't name me anything inappropriate

Percy: got it


	4. Tumblr, Just Tumblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna say I didn't make these, I looked up tumblr funny on google  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> BUT IF YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I HAVE MADE MY TUMBLR IS resting-confused-bitchface!

Percy: You can deal so much damage by just switching articles. "I'm so hungry, I could eat the horse." one-hit k.o

Nico: No, Percy. N-no. Just no.

_Chiron backs away slowly_

Percy: You opened this can of horses, now lie in it.

_Frank runs by as a horse…._

* * *

Percy: You know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes homes sometimes because it gets too big for it? What is it?

Annabeth: Hermit crab?

* * *

Will: So, what's it like dating Percy?

Nico: Okay, so, let me give you an example. 30 minutes ago, while he was watching _Bridge to Terabithia_ in our room, he ran in here with tears in his eyes and yelled "WHAT KIND OF DISNEY MOVIE KILLS KIDS" then went back.

Will: Oh-kay….

_Percy walks in._

Percy *mumbling*: Yeah… fine… kill the kid. Kill all the kids. Who cares. Waste of time….

* * *

Percy *lying in bed*: I had a dream last night that mothman was getting sued by the state of west virginia for accidentally breaking light posts and he hired me as his lawyer and in court I was like "now my client is a giant moth so you can't blame him for loving lights" and halfway through my speech I turned to address mothman and saw he was bumping into the courtroom lights and the light broke and caused a power outage.

Nico *getting out of bed*: Who the fuCK GAVE PERCY SUGER BEFORE BED?!11/1/?!

* * *

Zues: Blah blah blah blabbity blah blah— are you even listening to me, Percy?

Percy: opinions on abortion are kinda like nipples, everyone has them, but women's are a little more relevant. But all you ever see are men's.

Artemis: Oh shit.

_Apollo immediately puts on a shirt_

* * *

Annabeth: GO TO YOUR ROOM

Percy: That's not fair!

Annabeth: DO AS I SAY

Percy: You never send Nico to his room when he's gotten on your nerves!

Annabeth: Nico never leaves his room. If he were in trouble, I'd make him sit outside or talk to human beings.

Nico: I CAN HEAR YOU

* * *

Percy: This medication I take-

Annabeth: Adderall

Percy: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, it makes me spacy af, and yesterday when Nico was trying to help me avoid a pothole he said "to the left" and I just mumbled "take it back now y'all" and hit the pothole straight on.

* * *

Aphrodite: When do you feel the most beautiful?

Percy: When a dog pulls on his leash on the sidewalk because he wants to come say hi to me.

* * *

Percy: When I was like 9 my neighbors asked me to watch their fish and cat while they went on vacation and i was like "lol k" and while they were gone tHE FUCKING FISH DIED so when they got home i apologized to the mom and she was just like "no need to apologize, i turned to filter off so they would die because they were too much work. You did nothing wrong" and she gave me 20 bucks and that is the story of my first contracted murder.

Nico: ….I asked if you wanted sea food for dinner.

* * *

Percy: If I was trapped inside a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a whole tomato, I would die.

Nico: how the hell would you even get in that situation?


	5. Hogwarts Meet Percy Jackson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thrive in Chaos
> 
> Percy~ Gryffindor (could be Slytherin)  
> Annabeth~ Ravenclaw (could be Gryffindor)  
> Nico~ Gryffindor (could be Hufflepuff)  
> Leo~ Gryffindor (could be Hufflepuff)  
> Jason~ Gryffindor (nope, nothing else, nada)  
> Piper~ Slytherin (could be Ravenclaw)  
> Frank~ Hufflepuff (could be Gryffindor)  
> Hazel~ Hufflepuff ( could be Slytherin)  
> Thalia~ Gryffindo (yeah, no. she's perfect there)

Leo: So, here on Potter watch, we managed to get an exclusive interview with the dark lord himself!

Leo: voldy, I gotta say, it's an honor.

Percy (on helium): thank you Leo, may I say, for the record, I am a massive butthead.

Leo: you heard it here folks, the dark lord is in fact a butthead.

* * *

Percy: do you think Oliver wood was created just for the sole purpose of the innuendo?

Nico: I—

Percy: I mean, even his name is an innuendo.

Leo: YEAH! Didn't he say, "we're gonna train earlier, harder, and longer?"

Percy: AND HIS ACTUAL NAME IS SEAN BIGGERSTAFF

Percy: so really Nico you can't—

Percy: Nico? Nico, where'd you go?

Nico: STAY THE HADES AWAY FROM ME

* * *

Frank: it bewilders me that they didn't even give Hogwarts first years maps like, "have fun navigating a castle full of things that can kill you by yourselves suckers."

Percy:

Leo:

Percy:

Leo: _bewilders_

* * *

Nico: if I was harry potter, I would have addressed Voldemort as Tim riddle. He'd be like, "IT'S _TOM_ RIDDLE. ALSO, IT'S _**NOT**_ TOM RIDDLE IT'S VOLDEMORT!" Ahahahaa, classic Tim.

Percy: Nico, no

Nico: Nico yes

* * *

Piper: can you imagine what it would have been like if James and Lily never died and Harry wasn't the chosen one but he would still be doing stupid stuff with Ron and Hermione.

Jason: "James, our son flew a car to Hogwarts and crashed it"

Percy: "that's sounds wicked"

Jason: "nO JAMES"

* * *

Annabeth: Harry wasn't chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to grab a letter in the air instead of off the floor

* * *

Thalia: how come no one got pregnant at Hogwarts? I mean, come on, there had to be some unprotected hanky panky going on

Piper: wizardry

Thalia: ah, that makes sense

Percy: _fetus deletus_

* * *

Leo: I'd like everyone to take a moment to realize Lucius Malfoy is literally the harry potter equivalent of a school board mom.

Hazel: PTA dad Lucius Malfoy

Piper: Lucius Malfoy flipping tables at the Hogwarts bake sale because everyone likes molly's brownies better. "FIGHT ME MOLLY"

* * *

Jason: do you guys realize the meme for Ravenclaws would have to be "me, an intellectual"

Annabeth *wondering why the _Gryffindor_ is bringing up her house*: the Gryffindor one would be "dick: out. I am forcibly removed from the ..."

Nico: Hufflepuff would be "I came out to have a good time, and honestly, I'm feeling so attacked right now"

Percy: Slytherin would be the "inner me," Kermit the frog memes

* * *

Leo *in harry potter costume": MY MAGIC BRINGS VOLDEMORT TO THE YARD AND I'M LIKE, IT'S HURTING MY SCAR


End file.
